The night sky

“I couldn’t have made it this far without you” she diverted her eyes as she said it. I could tell the venerability of that statement was more than she could bear. In that moment I knew i had her, I was more than a goofy guy that served as a great distraction from reality, I was more than a friend. In that moment I was needed. I remember sliding my hands down to her hips, and rather than speak I caught her lips with mine. It wasn’t a simple kiss, it was the acknowledgement of our need for each other. I flipped my head back to soak in the spotted night sky. Thousands of crystals hung suspended there. The stars always looked better when I was with her. I looked back into her eyes, trying to decide which was more beautiful, those eyes or the night sky. That debate remains unsettled. I remain silent; I always knew I could steal several moments starring into her before she would break the visual stalemate. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” the question always made me laugh, growing up was something I had no intention of doing. “Ummm I don’t know, maybe an astronaut? Or maybe I’ll take over the reins for Santa Claus, he is getting pretty close to retirement.” I used any combination of words I could to make her smile. I had never seen whiter teeth line up so flawlessly, she stole her smile out of a magazine. I would have given the world just to see that smile.
We remained there for a while, her sitting on the hood of my truck with her arms around my shoulders. My hands at her hips, under her shirt, touching the soft skin just about her jeans. My body positioned between her legs. We could hardly keep our lips from each other. Pausing our conversations to press our lips together in passionate make out. I hung on her every word. Even the ones directed to hurt me, or push me away. How could such a small girl stir up so much emotion inside me? Just two kids on the cusp of adulthood, still dodging the responsibilities and the pressure of life. She slid her fingers across her forehead, forcing her bangs behind her ear before I could. Her golden blonde hair glowed, even at night. It was so soft; I ran my fingers through it, stopping my hand just behind her head supporting it for a kiss. As I pulled away her fierce blue eyes caught my attention again. They reminded me of ice. Everyone was amazed by how well she dealt with it all. The passing of her beloved brother,Riley, her parents’ divorce, She was literally watching her family being torn apart violently, and had been for years. But I knew better than to believe the strong face, I could see the truth in her eyes. Just behind the happiness of the moment it was there. The pain was there in her eyes, and I always saw it. A constant reminder that no matter how hard I tried, not matter what I did I could never give her the complete happiness that I wanted her to have.
Behind those eyes was her venerability, and I wanted her to share it with me. I wanted to help her with that pain, but that was too real of a moment for her to ever share with me. That wasn’t my role in all of this. The master plan read out much different that I would have liked. According to the master plan I was the distraction, a safety net. The guy to make the stupid jokes that would help her escape her life just for a moment. The safe choice, the guy that wouldn’t hurt her like the last one, I was the bridge from the last guy, to her next guy. Which happened to be one in the same. Those where things I didn’t know back then. Or at least I pretended not to know. Simply choosing to ignore them, because when it comes to matters of the heart logic plays no role. Logic told me it would never work, but my heart always wanted to take that long shot. Hoping for the fairytale ending. My fingers glided across the inside of her palms. Creating a delicate sensation for the both of us. Something I always loved to do with her. It had been over an hour since we started this goodbye. And I still didn’t have the will power to leave her. I just listened to the gentle vibrations of her words. Filling the gaps with my opinions and jokes. While my mind raced through the future with her, a future that never really existed. We agreed to part ways, calling it a night. My smile tore up my entire face, and I thought of her that entire drive home.
That was weeks ago, that perfect night still in the fore ground of my memory. But this night was tragically different. Two days ago she broke it off with me, with hardly a detail or reason. 30 minutes ago we shared an awkward run in at Riley’ s benefit dinner, even though we promised to remain friends and not let it become weird between us. And then there was now, the moment that summed up the awkwardness, and the break up. One table from me there she was, as beautiful as the night we shared under the stars, but this time it wasn’t me looking into her eyes. It wasn’t me making her smile, it wasn’t me by her side. It was him, the ex. Not even worth of a name in my story, yet he was and is the story. I was the bridge to him. He was the start of my story with her, and he was the end of my story with her. He played a bigger role than I could have dreamed to play. All night I stole a glance of her every chance I got. While visibly I was breaking, all too apparent to those around me. I witnessed the collapse of us. It was all too heart wrenching for me. The kind of emotional pain that hurt you to the extent of going numb, but even the numbness was just a reminder of the hurt.
It’s crazy now to think of the feelings and thoughts I had for her back then. They have almost all changed since then. With the exception of one… “I want her to be happy.” That night under the stars was the closest we would ever share. Everything after would lead to the collapse of us, and one of us had to fall the hardest. All along that role was mine to play. While I was hurting all I could wonder was did she ever even care? Did she ever feel anything for me at all? Or was I the only one meant to feel the emotion. After picking up the pieces, and wandering through the thoughts of what I could have done better to save the two of us. I learned that people come and go, but the memories of her and that night sky will be with me forever.